[BL] Debut in Interstellar After Retiring as Grim Reaper-Chapter 80: Inner Debate

Chapter 80: Inner Debate

Fortunately, Qin An really woke up after a few hours. When the doctors tried to test him again, the riot miraculously disappeared inside him. Even the indicator that his mental power has the probability of awakening fades as if nothing happened to him.

No matter how they tried to find something wrong with him, there were no results. The Doctor finds it extremely incredible and unrealistic but they could do nothing. The only thing that relieved them was Qin An was really okay.

Even if he seems to change again.

****

Night came.

"Qin An, how are you? Is your head not aching anymore?" He Yan worriedly asked the young man who’s sitting on his bed. The other trainees also stop from what they are doing and look in their direction, obviously wanting to hear Qin An’s answer too.

They look at the young man who’s looking down and they couldn’t even see the expression on his face. Everyone waited for his response but even after a few seconds, Qin An strangely remained silent.

"..."

They looked at each other and saw the worry on their faces. Qin An has been like this ever since he woke up. Doctors already said that there’s nothing wrong with his body but what worries them now is his attitude.

They all felt it.

Qin An went back to the way he used to be.

Why? They couldn’t understand? Was he feeling disgruntled and disappointed because he has no mental power unlike what the Doctors guessed? Was he upset because of this?

But that wasn’t their fault, wasn’t it? So why is he treating them like this again?

He Yan opened his mouth to say something but before he could speak, Qin An abruptly stood up and went outside his room without speaking, leaving the trainees secretly looking at his back.

He Yan’s face became downcast so Xing Ren pat his shoulder helplessly.

"Why did he change?" He Yan asked everyone but no one answered. They don’t know either.

Xing Ren sighs and his eyes flash in worry. He didn’t know what happened but he only hoped that everything would be alright.

Meanwhile, Qin An went to the balcony again. He stood beside the railing and silently watched the evening sky. The cold breeze is passing but he doesn’t seem to be bothered by the cold. He just stood there with an expressionless face.

However, different from the iceberg face outside, inside him Qin An was feeling extremely complicated.

The Judge wanted him to become the first grim reaper in this world and eliminate resentment.

He wanted him to serve the world again.

Qin An resigned already. Back then, he chose to give up everything— half immortality, the high authority, his powers and strength. He gave up what he had just to become a weak and fragile human who’ll face death and feel their complex emotions.

A chance that he didn’t even think about for all his life.

Qin An remembers that he never had anything to wish for in his past life. He was never one of his colleagues who were eager to live life and enjoy themselves while serving the world.

He never took off his responsibilities for certain things that he never dared to slack off on work.

Now that he just gradually accepted his new life and as a human, this came again. Qin An felt he couldn’t just accept it calmly.

This sudden news made him feel an indescribable emotions inside him that he couldn’t name. All he just felt was his heart start to ache and he didn’t like it a bit.

What is it? What kind of emotion is this?

Qin An frown.

Just as he was lost in his thoughts, he heard footsteps coming behind him.

It was Shen Lou.

The young man stands a small distance from him and looks at the surroundings too. The atmosphere around them was full of silence as they seemed not to mind each other’s presence.

Until Shen Lou decided to break it.

"You are ignoring everyone again." Shen Lou directly went straight to the point and lightly glanced at him. "Why?"

"..."

Qin An didn’t answer.

Actually, it’s not that he didn’t want to answer.

But it’s just that he didn’t know how to explain himself. He still didn’t understand the heavy feeling inside his heart. However, he knew it was something because of what the Judge said that it was something connected with the people around him.

He didn’t know, but when he woke up, he just felt not right every time he saw everyone.

Thus that decides him to stay away from them.

"He Yan and others had been worried about you ever since you fainted." Shen Lou speaks again after his silence. "They are constantly anxious and even blame themselves for letting you go at that time. And now that you are doing this, everyone is confused."

Shen Lou completely faces him now and looks directly at him. "If there’s something going on inside you, have you thought about speaking it perhaps? Haven’t you remembered what the mentors said about communicating inside the team? It happens in ours, haven’t you learned from it?"

Qin An looked at him and finally shook his head lightly.

He exhales a deep breath and finally speaks in a low voice. "I don’t know..."

His eyes were lowered and he patted his chest where his heart belonged.

"It’s heavy..." Qin An decides to speak even with his clumsy description. Confusion was painted on his face which was very rare.

At this moment, he looks really like the youngest among all of them.

Shen Lou’s eyes flash a surprise on his eyes and a faint smile passes on his eyes. This side of him was a refresh to what they always saw.

But it is more alive.

It is more like a human.

"Why are you feeling that way?" At this moment, Shen Lou felt he really looked like the older brother to their youngest standing and ready to consult.

"... It’s nothing." However, Qin An once again hesitated because he didn’t even know how to explain.

"Hm?" But looking at Shen Lou looking at him, he decided to try.

"I had a job which I had been doing for a long time," he explains in an ambiguous way. "I’ve quit... but it seems like I need to go back again."

Job? Shen Lou remembers Qin An is an orphan. So was he referring to the job he had to provide himself?

"Why did they want you to go back? You can’t go back now because you are still here." Shen Lou thought that those people wanted him to quit in order to go back to that job.

"You’re already doing good here. I think it’s better in this situation."

Qin An was silent for a second.

"But... if I don’t go back, many would be in trouble."

Shen Lou frowns. Trouble? How could they put the burden on such a young man on his shoulders? Shouldn’t adults do the job like this and instead pass on Qin An?

Does Qin An have to sacrifice his will to go back just for someone else trouble?

"Why are they forcing you to take the responsibility when you already quit? Qin An, why don’t you say where you worked before and I’ll help you?"

Qin An looked at the frown and worry on Shen Lou’s face and felt he already knew the emotions to call this heavy burden inside him.

... He felt betrayed and aggrieved.

If this will happen, what’s the use of giving him a wish? What’s the use of letting him slowly open himself when in the end, he will be left behind?

For the first time, Qin An felt various negative emotions inside him. Doubt, nervousness, anxiety... and fear.

Qin An felt fear.

The fear of going back to where he was all alone for too long, the fear of carrying all the responsibilities and burden forever and the fear of facing everyone’s death.

****