Eighteen's Bed-Chapter 20

But whatever. I would’ve hated carrying it in my hands even more.

“What?”

Why does it feel like I can see a drooping tail in my vision?

And not just any tail—one covered in thick fur.

Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

I hurriedly shook off the repulsive thought and pulled out a box from my bag.

A pitiful gaze swept over what I had taken out.

Only then did the gloom in his eyes shift into something else.

“What’s this?”

“A lunchbox. I asked, and they said you’re still a long way from surgery, so you can eat this.”

“A lunchbox?”

“Don’t read into it. I just bought it from a shop nearby.”

The reason I told him not to give it meaning… was because I had already given it meaning myself.

I would never say out loud that I specifically searched for a place near the hospital that served food both safe and delicious for patients.

I didn’t even want to think about it.

I just wanted to seem like someone offering an act of purely human kindness, nothing more.

But even that seemed to be enough for Go Yohan.

With his barely functional right hand, he scratched his ear like crazy.

His ear, which I caught a glimpse of, was bright red.

My gaze slowly shifted toward his fingers.

The way they curled slightly looked deformed.

My face twisted.

Why did it have to be those fingers that caught my attention?

Why couldn’t I look away?

My chest felt tight.

“……T-Thanks.”

I heard his oddly subdued voice.

Go Yohan glanced at me hesitantly, and when our eyes met, he flinched in surprise, hurriedly fumbling to open the lunchbox.

Or was he just pretending to be startled?

As if getting caught looking at me was something that would put him in trouble.

As if he didn’t want me to notice.

Watching him stuff food into his mouth like a machine, I leaned my exhausted body against the couch.

It was a disgusting sight.

Food spilling everywhere…

Go Yohan’s pinky, ring, and middle fingers didn’t bend properly.

I had no idea if that was real or an act.

Slowly, I moved closer and took the spoon from his hand.

“What do you want to eat?”

“……”

“Meat?”

At the very least, I had a responsibility to believe in Go Yohan’s wounds.

With his lips smeared in food, Go Yohan chewed as he lowered his head slightly and smiled.

I had no idea why this bastard, who would never use three of his fingers properly again and had shredded scars across his thigh and back, could smile like that.

I really had no idea.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at his bright, glowing face.

What the hell was so fun?

If it were me, I’d want to die.

I picked out what looked like the best side dish and shoved it into Go Yohan’s mouth.

Go Yohan chewed forcefully, still smiling.

This bastard always made me uncomfortable.

Honestly, the reason I bought the lunchbox was because of what happened before I came to the hospital—when I stopped by Go Yohan’s house.

****

This was the second time since Go Yohan’s skin graft surgery.

Surprisingly, I still had the guardian’s pass.

I had only ever encountered Go Yohan’s family three times in this hospital.

Once with his father, twice with his mother.

His mother, especially, acted all gentle and kind to me, as if to reward me for taking care of the responsibilities she had delegated.

Go Yohan simply rested his chin on his hand and stared at his mother’s retreating back.

I had only come to grab some of Go Yohan’s belongings.

So he wouldn’t be too bored in the hospital.

That was all.

I knew better than anyone how boring it was to be trapped in a hospital room.

And since I had already experienced it before, I knew exactly what he needed.

I convinced myself it wasn’t sympathy.

Or affection.

That day, instead of going back to the dormitory, I started commuting from home.

On my way, I dropped by Go Yohan’s house.

The mansion still welcomed me.

But Gorosa didn’t.

Leaning against the wall of Go Yohan’s room, Gorosa asked dryly:

“You’re still hanging around with Go Yohan?”

To be honest, I didn’t have the best feelings toward Gorosa either.

How could she never visit the hospital, not even once?

Her family got hurt.

That instinctual sense of morality made me judge her.

I hadn’t even realized I was doing it.

It wasn’t intentional.

The moment I realized it, I clamped my mouth shut and shoved more of Yohan’s things into my bag.

“Yeah.”

“He really fucking did it, huh? That crazy bastard’s obsessed with you.”

My hand froze.

I turned around like I was possessed.

“……Obsessed with me?”

“What, are you happy to hear that?”

“No, I just asked.”

“Nobody ever just asks anything. You wanted to know, so you asked.”

Disgusting.

She muttered under her breath, but I pretended not to hear it.

Still, she stepped closer, ignoring me.

This whole family had a talent for ignoring people.

Gorosa, Go Yohan, and even their father.

“Hey, where did you go after graduation?”

“Yeah.”

The whole damn town must know already.

“It’s not like I wanted to find out. But Go Yohan threw a fit about it.

That bastard never even set foot in a church, but suddenly he was praying and throwing a tantrum.

Not long after, he ripped apart the rosary his father gave him and started screaming.”

“Rosary?”

“Yeah, that thing. He used to treasure it, you know?

Said it was a gift from his dad.

Called God a fucking mutt or something.

Then he shut himself in his room and didn’t come out.

Our house was finally peaceful for once.

He doesn’t even realize who the real bastard is. Dumbass.”

Her voice, which had been mocking, suddenly dipped lower.

Probably because of my expression.

“What the hell? Your face is red.”

“It’s not.”

“No way. Do you seriously like him? You like him?”

“I said no.”

“……Holy shit.”

She gasped, covering her mouth as if horrified.

“You’re fucking insane. Seriously.”

Why did she keep saying that when I had already denied it?

Annoyed, I yanked my bag’s zipper shut and snapped at her.

I wanted to criticize her, too.

“Why did you say that to me? Your father told me Go Yohan was his second son.”

“What? What the hell are you talking about all of a sudden?”

A True Contradiction

What a contradiction.

I knew it too.

Han Taesan, who always got on my nerves, once said it—Kang Jun always ends up doing something kind in the end.

No matter his intentions.

But right now, I had an excuse.

The brown scars spreading across Go Yohan’s back.

Just as Go Yohan couldn’t meet my eyes, I couldn’t bring myself to look at his back.

"Jun-ah."

"Yeah."

"Then… is it okay if I believe in you?"

His hoarse voice crept closer.

I pretended not to care.

But I listened.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I won’t like you."

In that instant, my heart crashed to the floor.

My stomach twisted.

Something tightened around my chest.

I almost asked—without thinking.

Why not?

The moment the words nearly left my lips, I realized what I was about to say.

My true, hidden thoughts had almost escaped.

Kang Jun, you’re a fucking idiot.

I clenched my fists and swallowed it down.

Yeah.

This was for the best.

For both of us.

"Then instead, I’ll believe in you."

But Go Yohan said something strange.

His voice tangled with both sorrow and joy.

Like a disciple receiving a revelation.

Was there any other way to describe him in this moment?

I didn’t understand his words.

And yet, I didn’t pull my hand away.

Didn’t run.

The suffocating weight pressing on my chest no longer just squeezed—it stabbed.

"I’m an atheist now. Honestly, you’re way more useful to my life than that bastard up in the sky."

"Shut the fuck up."

This bastard…

"You blaspheme every damn day."

"No, that’s not true. I was raised a devoted believer, you know!"

"Then what the hell was that just now?"

Go Yohan frantically shook his hands.

Like his life depended on it.

His tone—desperate, as if he were about to cry.

If I didn’t believe him, he might actually cry.

Caught off guard, I was left speechless.

And then, as if he had made up his mind, Go Yohan suddenly slid off the couch and dropped to his knees.

"Then I’ll show you."

"Hey, hey. What the hell are you doing?"

A large hand grabbed my foot.

Since I had been sitting with my legs propped on the couch, I slid forward, barely perching on the edge of the seat.

Dangling slightly, my foot hung in the air, held by his grasp.

Then, Go Yohan’s gaze landed on the scar on the sole of my foot.

The mark left from stepping on broken glass.

His brow furrowed.

And to my disbelief—his eyes filled with water.

I jerked back in shock, trying to pull my foot away.

Before I could escape, Go Yohan lowered his head.

"What are you—"

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit."

Cold fingertips brushed against my ankle.

A sharp ache shot up my calf, deep into my stomach.

What the fuck is this lunatic doing?

I tried to yank my foot free, but my strength abandoned me.

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Go Yohan looked up at me once.

And then, with a face that showed not a single ounce of disgust—

Like a devout believer touching a sacred relic—

"I greet the Lord."

He pressed his lips to the tip of my foot.

His fine, soft hair brushed against my ankle, tickling my skin.

The gentle press of his lips rubbed against the base of my toes.

"S-Stop it…."

I threw my arm over my face.

Go Yohan’s right hand tightened around my ankle.

And in that moment—

I stopped resisting.

Three weak fingers held onto me.

A delicate, fragile grip tapped lightly against my skin.

The lips that cursed God every day traced a path up my calf.

And I did nothing to stop him.

That’s when I realized.

This relentless, incurable disease—

This nightmare of being eighteen—

Still wasn’t over.