Reborn To Be The Imperial Consort [BL]-Chapter 99: Crimson Spider Lily — IV

Warning: Mention and implicit imagery of Self-harm. Proceed with caution

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Li Xinyuan awaited the nine-tailed fox spirit’s answer with a bated breath, eyes narrowed in consternation as he stared at the latter intensely, his hold on Hu Lijing’s shoulders only tightening as the time went on the latter failed to give him a proper answer.

For a moment, Li Xinyuan was not sure if it was an illusion, he felt Hu Lijing stiffen ever so briefly in his grasp before the tension immediately vanished. It almost made the surgeon doubt his own senses. But he knew to trust them, especially when dealing with a person like the nine-tailed divine fox spirit.

The nine-tailed fox turned his face away, eyes wandering everywhere but Li Xinyuan’s face. The signs of guilt, of hesitation; all of them were present. It could not be any more apparent, in fact.

In the way his face was turned away, the way his eyes danced around refusing to meet Li Xinyuan’s own gaze, in the way his lips pursed together into a thin, tight line. In the way his hands curled into loose fists on his lap.

The signs of lie could not be anymore visible even if Hu Lijing tried.

Li Xinyuan’s heart sank to his stomach and it did not stop there. Plagued by the continued silence, his damned heart sank and sank endlessly, sinking to his feet as a prickling numbness spread throughout his body, making his fingers flex as he sucked in a cold, harsh breath.

"You—" Li Xinyuan choked, stumbling over his words as his throat closed up. "You are an extremely abysmal actor, Lijing..." At the end, his words faded away, his voice trailing off as he shivered slightly not knowing what to feel. "Why?"

Hu Lijing bit his lips, teeth worrying over his lower lip as he ducked his head, bowing in shame as he breathed shallowly.

"I don’t know." He admitted in a quiet voice. "I just... Some days , I just— I just I don’t know what goes in my head."

Of course, he didn’t.

Li Xinyuan took another deep breath, his heart jackhammering against his chest, threatening to bounce out of his ribcage as he bit his lip, tongue slipping out to swipe over the chapped flesh.

Of course, he didn’t. How foolish of him.

For a split second, Li Xinyuan wanted to beat himself up for asking a question like that.

’Why?’, ’Why?’, seriously?! As if Hu Lijing would know!!!

What kind of dumbass question was that?! Good freaking job, Xinyuan! You make a bloody good lawyer, asking questions like this!!

Keep asking, keep asking questions like that and one day, one freaking day you will win a case, remember only sky is your limit—

Li Xinyuan internally smacked himself to silence his thoughts.

"Forget I asked that—"

"No, let me— let me finish speaking—" Hu Lijing cut him off, shaking his head firmly "I do it because I just— there are days I just feel empty, hollowed inside out and nearly everything feels meaningless, there are times my thoughts overwhelm me and only the pain seems to chase them away. The days I feel numb, those are the worst and I just become desperate to feel something, anything." After he finished saying what he wanted to, the nine-tailed fox looked down at his lap, unable to meet Li Xinyuan’s eyes.

The surgeon blinked slowly, listening to Hu Lijing recount his experience was not easy. It made tears well in the corner of his eyes but he stubbornly blinked them away, not wanting to cry in front of the spirit fox.

He had to be strong. He could cry later.

Li Xinyuan shook his head, lips pursed as he took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak.

"Your feelings or the lack thereof, none of them are wrong, Lijing." He started carefully, hands slipping to Hu Lijing’s back as he spoke in a low voice, it was as if his words were only for the nine-tailed fox’s ears. "Feeling numb, feeling empty, feeling overwhelmed, feeling nothing and feeling guilty; all of it is normal after just what you have been through. It is, trust me." He paused, took another deep inhale of cold air and continued. "You know what is wrong, however?"

Hu Lijing pressed his lips into a tighter line, a grim crease between his brows as he let out a shaky breath before replying, his voice fragile and small.

"What is?" Li Xinyuan was pretty sure Hu Lijing knew what it was that he was going to say, but said it anyway.

Sometimes saying something aloud was more important than assuming that a person knew it and letting it go.

"Harming your body, mutilating it just so that you can feel something, that is wrong." He let out a quiet sigh and trailed his hands down Hu Lijing’s shoulders to his wrist.

This. This was the most common place for anyone to cut. Excluding legs and thighs. Wrist and forearm would be an even better place for this era since every piece of clothing was full sleeved.

Gently curling his fingers around Hu Lijing’s wrist, he squeezed it, feeling the erratic beating of his heart through his throbbing pulse, Li Xinyuan pursed his lips.

Holding his wrist up slightly, the surgeon glanced at Hu Lijing’s bowed head, feeling the shames roll off his body in waves as he spoke, soothingly. "All is well, Lijing..." He smiled wryly in a way that he thought would be reassuring should Hu Lijing raise his head. "May I take a look?" He inquired softly.

The nine-tailed fox stilled for a moment, his shoulders stiffening visibly as he took a deep bracing breath and nodded, biting his lips.

"Mhm."

"Thank you," he whispered and ever so carefully used his other hand to push up the wide sleeves of the robe the nine-tailed fox was donning upon his person.

Even if Hu Lijing had spectacular regeneration and healing abilities, seeing just how much he kept buried in his heart, fighting his demons alone, Li Xinyuan had little to no doubt that he mostly mutilated himself often.

As if scars... If he had done so in recent days or hours, surely he would have a few scars or even open wounds.

Sure enough. Li Xinyuan felt his breath hitch, eyes widening as his pupils shrank in visible shock as his fingers flexed, tightening around Hu Lijing’s wrist as they trembled.

"Oh, Lijing..." He breathed out, his voice but a mere whisper fleeting with the blowing winds.

Several cuts littered across his forearm, standing out starkly against what little of his relatively pale skin was left. A veritable array of criss-cross, one over the other, some bright red, flushed crimson and angry red, some old, faded and unnatural white in colour.

Li Xinyuan felt his heart clench with pain, skin crawling as he suppressed a shiver.

Who knew just how many of them he had actually made on his person before this?